What does Anarchy smell like? Dark Temptation, Lure, Primed, Absolute Fusion, Vice, Kilo, Ice Dive, Phoenix, Guilty Pleasure (which…at first I thought was called Guilty Plea until I turned the bottle), Snake Pit (or it could have been Snake Peel but I sometimes can’t read my own writing), Shock, and finally one that I don’t understand at all, Clix.

What do any of these “words” smell like? Not sure, but they all find themselves on the list I made of the more unusual names given to various and sundry men’s products: body wash, shampoo, body spray and deodorant.

Why do I care? (and on another completely unrelated note, do men really use body spray?)

Picture this: It is the eve of Christmas Eve and we find Judy and Bob standing in the personal grooming aisle at the local Piggly Wiggly. They are looking for personal care products to gather for the Christmas stocking of Child#2.

Faced with a Tetris-like display of products, Judy begins to read labels aloud, “Anarchy, Dark Temptation…Anarchy? Why on earth would a deodorant be called Anarchy?” Perusing the display further, Judy begins to giggle, “Seriously, they called one Clix?” Her mind now spinning furiously. She has no clue what a ‘Clix’ is. A breakfast cereal called Clix is believable, but a deodorant … not so much. What focus group of misfits approved using the name Clix? The 15-minute shopping foray has now turned into a buffet of delicious comedic fodder and Judy is going to explore it completely. She takes off her jacket, becoming overheated at this point and wants to be comfortable.

Judy, cocking her head curiously to one side, muses aloud “Why do they give men’s products such ludicrous names? And really, if they think that the name has any influence whatsoever on the wearer of said product, perhaps they should become a little more savvy. What about (for teenage boys): Homework, Hug Your Mother, or Clean Your Room?”

Bob looks around to see if Judy is actually speaking to him or if someone else has crept up behind them (it has happened before and he is not going to fall for it again), then waits a few seconds to ensure that the question wasn’t rhetorical before answering thoughtfully, “I don’t know.”

Judy, “I mean seriously, honestly, what focus group would approve of calling a deodorant the name ‘Anarchy’? And what happens if I purchase Anarchy Shampoo, Clix Body Wash and Primed deodorant? What hellish cocktail will I be creating?”

Bob, feigning interest, “Oh my gosh Judy, I think you stumbled onto something”.

The back and forth went on forever. “What about if we combine Lure Shampoo, Shock Body Wash and Vice Deodorant? **snort** That is a combination that only a mother of a future felon would buy!”

Wiping the beads of sweat from her brow (she is either having a hot flash or is now experiencing flu-like symptoms. Can someone please turn down the heat in this store?), “I wonder what strange names they have put on the girl stuff?” They quickly make their way around to the next aisle, where they are greeted by shelf upon shelf upon shelf of products: Luscious, Embrace, Purely Pristine, Silk Whimsy…

No wonder the world is going to hell in a hand-basket! Judy is fairly certain that she has stumbled onto the impetus for the future zombie apocalypse and everything that has gone wrong in North America. She can now picture herself on George Icantbelievehisnamecontainseightvowelsandnineconsonants talking about her upcoming tour to promote her best-seller, “Smells Like Anarchy”.

She will be famous.

Sitting on a white, euro-modern couch, George and Judy would engage in witty, CBC-like banter about the marketing machine behind beauty care products.

George: “So Judy, now that you have won a Nobel Peace Prize and documented your journey in the book, “Smells Like Anarchy,” what is next for you?”

Judy (blushing): “Oh George, this book tour has kept me pretty darn busy. But my next step is convincing the governments of the world to enforce the new naming convention strategy for beauty care products that I have proposed, and for companies to abandon the dangerously stereotypical approach they have embraced in the past. It’s the right thing to do George, and that is my thing … doing it right each and every day”.

Applause.

George: “And there you  have it folks! Move over David Suzuki, Canada has a new sweetheart and her name is Judy. Thanks for joining me today Judy … blah, blah and so forth.”

What?

It could happen.

Judy Kucharuk is owner of Footprint Management Systems Inc. and specializes in Green Meetings and Event Innovation. Currently President of GMIC Canada Chapter in Formation. For more info log onto her blog www.managefootprint.blogspot.com or follow her on twitter @judylaine